Friday, March 11, 2005


What Really Happened on the Road to the Baghdad Airport

What really happened on the airport road? Was it an unfortunate accident, or did US forces intentionally target an Italian communist reporter of whom no one in the United States had ever taken any note until she turned up on “terror tv” calling for withdrawal of coalition forces and then got shot at by American G.I.s at a road block? Well, we have an exclusive here, we know what really happened, and here it is…

The attack was deliberate, and the orders came straight from the very top. Dick Cheney! Cheney walked into the Oval Office to find the Hitler Chimp messing around with a strange sort of vending machine. “Hey, look at this, boss,” the chimp grinned, “Dr. Strangerove rigged it up for me…all I have to do is push this button, and I get a dehydrated banana chip…dang, nothing happened…maybe I’m supposed to pull this lever…shoot! Maybe it’s Rehnquist’s finger I'm supposed to pull, I remember Rehnquist is always trying to get me to pull his finger…”

“Be quiet,” snapped Cheney. “We need something new to happen in Iraq. Something really big. Something to really crank off some allies.”

“How about we bomb the South Koreans? Or the Poles, we could launch an armored attack against the Poles…”

“Oh shut up. Get Rumsfeld on the phone.”

“We don’t need to call him, he’s right in the next room with the Attorney General, going over the plans for the new combination rack/thumbscrew units we’re gonna be ordering for that place down in Cuba…”

“RUMSFELD” Cheney bellowed, at which Rumsfeld and new Attorney General Alberto Gonzales entered the Oval Office.

“Rummy, we need our boys in Iraq to deliberately target that commie writer from Italy who’s making videos with the heroic resistance fighters. It’ll make her famous, and get thousands of gullible leftist cretins who never heard of her to believe every anti-American word she says, and it’ll really piss off Berlusconi. We want to do that because he’s been such a staunch ally.”

“Hey,’ the chimp interjected, “Tony Blair’s really been a staunch ally…why don’t we bomb some British troops?”

“Quiet,” snapped Cheney, flipping the Hitler Chimp a dehydrated banana chip. “You got it, Rumsfeld?”

“OK, well, if we can find her I’ll send in a couple of special ops guys…”

“Oh no you don’t. None of your friggin’ subtlety on this one. That whole Abu Ghraib thing almost backfired cause you had to get cute, ordering those grunts to take a bunch of pictures with their own cameras and post ‘em on a website. Hell, the whole thing almost went unnoticed. You could have had official documentation, but no, you have to let them use their own damn cameras and post the pictures to their own damn websites. This time it has to be really blatant, so there’s no question that it’s official policy handed down from the very top.”

“OK, well, we could use a tank and a half dozen 50 calibers…that ought to just about vaporize her.”

“Great, yeah, heavy weapons fire, that’s good. But for Gosh sakes, make sure they fire at least three or four hundred rounds, but don’t kill her. In fact, all three or four hundred rounds should miss the car. Now if we could manage to kill an Italian soldier or two, that would be fine, but not her. We need her to start telling a series of totally inconsistent and incredible stories, so the anti-war imbeciles have something new to scream about. Geez, nobody even pays attention any more when they mention “Viet Nam” and “Abu Ghraib”. I mean, for Gosh sakes, every discussion ends up being about Viet Nam and Abu Ghraib, and I’m sick to death of it.”

“So, we’re deliberately targeting her, but even though we have the firepower to vaporize her entire country, we want her to survive to complain about being deliberately targeted.”


“After we don’t kill her, can we torture her?” the Attorney General asked, not looking up from the pile of legless spiders he was accumulating on the table in front of him.

“No, damn it! We release her so she can start her incoherent raving immediately.”

“Oh.” The Attorney General looked very crestfallen.

“Don’t worry Alberto, next month we’re going to capture some Australian aid workers and send them off to one of your overseas camps for interrogation.”

That cheered the Attorney General up, but Rumsfeld looked confused. “But Australia, next to England, is just about our firmest ally…”

“Of course they are,” Cheney said with condescension dripping from his voice. “Why would we intentionally target, say, the French? They already hate us…”

“If we’re attackin’ allies, why not nuke London,” said the chimp.

“Be quiet,” Cheney said, flipping him another banana chip.

“You got it Rumsfeld?”

“I think so. We deliberately attack her with heavy weapons and a tank, fire several hundred rounds, all of which miss, and kill an Italian agent we don’t even know is there with one or two light caliber rounds that actually strike the vehicle.”


“But how will we know where to find her?”

“Don’t worry, Dr. Strangerove has got a reverse gear installed in his evil mind control ray now. So he can read people’s minds too, not just turn them into brainless zombies who vote for Bush even though they obviously meant to vote for Gore or Kerry. He’ll let us know when and where.”

“OOOOH,” shouted the Hitler chimp, “is Dr. Strangerove coming up here? Maybe he could show me again how to work this thing…”

“Take care of it Rumsfeld. I’m off to plan for Halliburton’s rape of that part of the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve which was set aside for oil exploration and production right from the start anyway.”

“But if you’re going to drill where there was always supposed to be drilling anyway, why not make that clear and avoid all the ruckus?” said Rumsfeld.

“Well where would be the fun in that?” said Cheney, gathering up his pitchfork and heading toward the door.

We know this is exactly what happened, because Dan Rather furnished this blog with a transcript of a meeting of the Neocon World Domination Subcommittee of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, LLC. He got it from a guy wearing a tin-foil hat.

That's not why they tried to shoot her. Cheney believed that all the cheap Italian food imports were driving the fast food companies out of business, this is just part of his grand scheme to eliminate all foreign goods.

On a more serious note, is there anyone down here you can believe anymore?
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